Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
