i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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