i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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