My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
