i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
