I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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