That's intense
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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