one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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