Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
