You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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