oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
