I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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