Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
