What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
