In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
