my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
