Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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