I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
should my penis look like a turkey
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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