I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
