I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
