I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
