she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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