Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
false alarm, still single
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
