who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
