Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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