I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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