Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
