You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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