I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
