batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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