My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
