Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
