my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
