had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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