So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
