she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
