Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I love having hate sex.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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