shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.