It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
