i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
