dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
