I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.