just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
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I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
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He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.