my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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