I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
