you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
