there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
