I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
