Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
