someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
