he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
