I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
