Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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