I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Need sex. Gaining weight.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
