I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
