On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like abortions should bother me more
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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