If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
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I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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