I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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