Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I want a musical about memes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
