dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
